"Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It's something quite magical." Nicole Kidman, Adoptive Parent
I am re-creating this story from a journal that Byron & I kept during this time. I swear, something has happened to my memory and I have blocked out so many things in my life! I am thankful that we took the time to write our adoption story in a journal. I am always struggling with the question of "how much is too much information". I can only assume that Max will one day read this journal, which is fine, because we have always been very honest about his background. I just want him to read this, when he is ready, on his own terms. This will be Max's cross to bare and I pray that my love will have been enough.
Byron and I were married in 2001. Soon after, he was accepted into Test Pilot School and we packed up and headed west. This was a great honeymoon time in our lives. We were living in the middle of the desert, I had just started training for a marathon and we were meeting some fabulous friends. We had talked about children before we got married. We wanted them but only one. You see, we are planners, and we had it all figured out. After about 1 year of marriage, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. It worked! It worked on the first try! All was good. I had the calendar marked, nursery planned, and college picked out (just kidding). I was sick, very sick. It felt like being on a boat with rough seas 24/7. I was pretty miserable. I was also very bloated. My stomach was already distended. I kept thinking that at the rate I was going...I would pop at 9 months! I continued to workout/run, with no issues other than throwing up. Finally, it was my 12 week/first check up (the Air Force likes to wait until 12 weeks). I was so excited. Byron attended. Unfortunately, the doctor did not find a heartbeat. He found a baby measuring 7 weeks but no heartbeat. I was devastated. The next morning I was scheduled for a D&C and labeled a "Missed AB". Since this was my first, no testing was done. It was all explained as the body's way of "taking care" of itself. What a terrible thought. I hate these words and hope you never speak them to anybody. I did not journal this part of my life. I am glad for it.
I am going to skip around a bit because the next 2 years was not that fun. We moved from the desert back to the beach. I worked, Byron worked. We remodeled our first house. Life continued on as normal as possible. I endured test, after test. Nothing. I could get pregnant very easily, I just could not carry to full term. All but the first pregnancy had documented heart beats. All but the first had genetic testing that resulted in nothing. I had nothing to blame. So I blamed myself, my body. I walked out of the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office in 2003. He had just finished telling me about some of his clients that had 10-12 miscarriages and then go on to have healthy pregnancies. When I heard this, I was out the door, never to return. I was on miscarriage #7. I was not going to make it to 10.
Byron and I had to make a decision. Do we live our lives childless, in lofts with careers, glamorous travel or do we look into adoption? Obviously, some of you know the answer to this question but of course our story would not be complete without several valleys and peaks. So sit back and relax...there is more to this story...
(I will try to post each chapter of our adoption story every friday during the Hooked on Fridays blog party, celebrating things that make us happy. Because ultimately this story makes me happy and has helped define who I am today.)